Looking foolish does the spirit good. The need not to look foolish is one of youth's many burdens; as we get older we are exempted from more and more, and float upward in our heedlessness, singing Gratia Dei sum quod sum. - Johm Updike

Thanks be to God that I am what I am

Thursday, May 17, 2012

In Dreams

My problems with sleep are legendary among my friends.  I typically sleep in no more than 4 hour increments separated by hours of useless wakefulness.  I can't really call most of those moments being awake.  During the summer, it gets worse.  My periods of sleep are reduced to 2 hours and literally anything can wake me.  My happy, noisy, rested neighbors compete for the top of my annoyance list right along with the happy, noisy, rested birds who like to hang outside my open bedroom window and live their little bird lives at top volume.  I guess they feel the need to share.

The reason I am telling you this?  Well, something strange happened while I was trying to catnap, again.  My chronic pain suddenly ratcheted up from about a 2 (meaning I am just sort of aware of my many failing joints) to about a 6 (meaning I am crawling out of my skin with discomfort, my joins feel like their being crushed and I am ready and willing to snap anyone's head off for breathing too loudly in my general direction) without warning and catapulted my out of the light doze I was in.  While I was laying there, cursing my existence, I realized that I had been dreaming about a caller I spoke to yesterday.

That was strange.  I have never dreamed about my job as a PSO, before.  It was inevitable, I suppose.  I always end up dreaming about my jobs, whatever they happen to be, because I have a habit of obsessing about being good at my job.  When I stop obsessing about being good at my job, it is a sure sign that I am bored out of my mind and that it is time to move on before I start hating my  job.  I just wasn't expecting to dream about being a PSO because it is so different from any other job I have ever had.  If nothing else, the fact that I work at home makes the environment completely different from my other jobs.  I have also had very limited contact with the other people I work with and have never seen them face to face.  Which, in my humble opinion, beats being plunged into whatever office drama is taking place no matter how hard I try to avoid it.

In my dream, the caller was bitching me out for trashing his fantasy and refusing to play along.  Gee, what a surprise.  He explained to me, in the dream, that even though he was presenting his fantasy as an actual experience, I should have known that it was just a fantasy and played along.  To be fair to myself, I did play along until he ordered me to spank myself so he could judge how hard I could spank others.  Hmm...no.  I know the caller was hoping to run into a cute little college girl who felt like she had done something terrible and needed to be punished but, that's not going to happen with me.  I wasn't set up to Dolby the sound of someone being spanked and didn't feel like striking my own flesh to get the desired sound so this creep could get off.  Plus, I was playing that cute, little college girl as a lighthearted Domme.  She ain't gonna follow orders, bub.  She's going to laugh at you and say "No."  What the hell do you think you can do about it, caller?  Hang up on me, is what he did and I was not unhappy with the outcome.  I had taken his fantasy about as far as I was willing to and I was not in the mood to play submissive with a high maintenance caller.

His fantasy just lingered in my mind because the whole thing was so weird.  He started by telling me that he had been arrested for soliciting a prostitute and his life was being demolished because of it.  Legal fees, possible eviction for his business on a moral clause, wife left him, etc.  All of it sounded plausible but, I'm a lawyer's kid.  Some of the details he offered set off my bullshit alert but, I let it slide.  Then he starts talking about his stepdaughter.  Hear that beeping noise?  That's the bullshit meter cranking up into the red.  According to the caller, his stepdaughter is in her early 20's and in college.  He is paying her tuition as long as she maintains her grades and does a few other things he has demanded of her.  He didn't go into details.  If his story is legitimate; it might be living on campus, or being involved in certain social groups or going to counseling.  The truth is my bullshit meter was beeping so loudly that I can't think to ask.  He tells me that she hasn't been keeping up her end of the bargain and has been lying about it.  He can't stand lairs and decided that she has to be punished.  Okay, here we go.  He tells her that she has to accept a  bare bottom spanking from him or he will stop paying for her tuition and, according to him, she agrees to it.

You have got to be kidding me.  He then goes onto explain that he lives in a condo complex with a lot of single mothers and many of these women pay him to discipline their daughters.  And the daughters involve agree to it.  The caller gives me details about how he has the mothers sign a liability waiver to protect himself and all I can think is bullshit, Bullshit, BULLSHIT!  There is no way in hell I am going to believe that an entire condo complex full of women have lost their collective minds and pay this creep to spank their daughters for his own sexual gratification.  Because, despite how he is describing his behavior as clinically as possible and for the girl's own good, it is very obvious that this bastard gets off on it.  And the idea that an 18 year old girl would submit to this is laughable.  Even if a girl is into being spanked and many of them are (see the popularity of the book, 50 Shades of Gray), I sincerely doubt many of them would consent to being spanked by a 60 year old man for his own sexual pleasure and at their mother's request.  That is just fucked up.

I dance around the subject.  After several minutes of discussion, I finally find a way to ask him if he worries about any of the girls reporting him to authorities.  Not at all, he tells me and reminds me that he has all those waivers from their mothers.  Uh-huh.  All I can think of is what my reaction would have been if my parents or their partners or my extended family suggested that I be 'professionally spanked' for any of my adolescent transgressions.  (Trust me when I say, there were far too many cooks in the kitchen where my childhood is concerned.)  I would have blown a gasket.  Hell, I would have had a complete nuclear meltdown that could have been seen from space.  And I would have called the cops, child protective services and the child's rights attorney, Andrew Vachss to report the bastards before I beat feet out the door while flipping the bird over my shoulder.  My reaction would have been total devastation for all involved and I am not kidding in the slightest.

I told a friend about this and she played Devil's Advocate by pointing out that my personality guaranteed an over the top response.  She could see girls being coerced into this type of scenario quite easily.  She just had a hard time accepting that any parent would agree to it.  I can concede her point.  God knows my own parents constantly relied on others to actually do the work of raising me and because of that, I suffer from what many consider an alarming lack of family loyalty.  We both still dismiss this caller's story as fantasy bullshit.  If a girl is into being submissive and somehow, advertises the fact that she is looking for a Dom to spank her, she will be buried in offers within a day.  There are Doms all over the world languishing for a cute teenage girl to spank.  She most certainly will not have to have her mother pay for it.  In fact, it is far more common for the Dom to pay the submissive.  There are even spanking parties where men pay professional submissives who will allow men to spank them for sexual titillation.  Invitations to those parties comes with a pretty hefty price tag.  Professional submissives are very expensive.

It goes like this: among heterosexuals, there is a 70/30 split for women.  Meaning that 70% of women into BDSM want a man to dominate them.  The remaining 30% are more like me, Dommes. Only about half of those are what some people call extreme Dommes, women who do not exchange power by 'switching' or playing sub.  I guess I could be called extreme except that I am willing to have Vanilla sex with the right person.  However, I am not interested in ever being submissive.  Ever.  It turns me off, completely, and utterly enrages me to be asked after I have explained to a lover what I am.  Which is why I spun out a story to this caller describing myself as a low key Domme who dominates other women, professionally.  I guessed, correctly, that this caller had no interest in hearing about a man being dominated by a woman.  I screwed up once and mentioned that I dominated 'boys and girls at their request'.  He immediately told me that he didn't want to hear about the boys.  He wanted details and I provided them, thank you, Vagina Monologues.

That's where things broke down.  Like so many men, this caller could not reconcile the idea that there are women out there with absolutely no interest in being spanked by a man.  He believes the porn fantasy that every woman secretly wants to be dominated and just needs to meet the man of her dreams so she can submit herself to his desires and be utterly happy doing so.  Maybe such a woman exists.  I am not her.  None of my deepest, darkest, personal fantasies have ever involved being dominated by anyone and a dumbass like that caller is not the man who is going to change my mind.


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