Looking foolish does the spirit good. The need not to look foolish is one of youth's many burdens; as we get older we are exempted from more and more, and float upward in our heedlessness, singing Gratia Dei sum quod sum. - Johm Updike

Thanks be to God that I am what I am

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Controlled Change

Things have gotten weird at the hosting company I use.  My favorite supervisor has been taken over by mind controlling, alien brain slugs.  I have not been connected to any of my regulars in days.  I have, however, been connected to some of the worst callers available on a daily basis. Chronic and unrepentant Short Timers as far as the eye can see.  It might just be luck of the draw but, my paranoia says 'shenanigans'.

So I am going to try a different hosting company tonight.  The set up is different and the rules are much more stringent.  I am, as I expected, experiencing, horrible stage fright.  I also know myself.  If I don't dive into the deep end of the pool right away, I will talk myself out of trying new things.  It's hard to be impulsive when my livelihood is involved.

Wish me luck

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I Don't Fucking Think So

A sample of one call I took Saturday night....

"Hi sweetie," said caller.

"Hello."  Have I mentioned how much I hate callers who start off already in their sexy/creepy personas?  "What's your name?"

"Robbie," the caller replied with a simpering giggle.  "I've been naughty," he confides.   Middle age Midwestern men should never try to sound cute and creepy at the same time.  It totally grosses me out and makes me want to call in a tactical airstrike on their worthless asses.

"And what have you been doing that makes you so naughty?" Please let this be something I can turn into a long call, I think with dwindling hope.

"I've been in your little daughter's room. . ." And now my hope for a long call is dead and buried.  "She's in there playing with her little friend. . ."

"Oh I don't fucking think so, Robbie," I interrupted with an evil laugh.

Dead silence for a moment.  "And why is that?" he asked with a much more normal sounding voice.  Now, I can listen to his hope dwindle along with my own.  We are not going to have a meeting of the minds when it comes to sexual fantasy.

"You're still breathing."


"You.  Are.  Still.  Breathing," I repeat with more precise ennunciation.  "If you attempted to enter my daughter's room where she is having a sleepover with her friends, she would take one look at you and start screaming her head off and, before I could even jump out of bed, one of our rottweilers would charge in and rip out your femoral artery.  I would arrive just in time to watch you bleed out, Robbie."

More dead silence

"Care to try again, Robbie?"

And he hangs up.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Delightfully Raunchy

I have a few rules I expect callers to follow when I start talking to them.  First of all, I going to say my name and ask them for theirs.  I don't know (and don't care) if a caller gives me his real name.  I just want something to call him other than 'baby'.  I'm going to ask him for a location.  Again, I don't really give a damn what the answer is.  I do this because I need to hear a caller speak so I can get a lock on his voice to better understand him while he is speaking.  Though, I have noticed a few patterns.  Callers from New York tend to go in extremes.  They are either very good to talk to, (there is a sub in New York City who is always fun) or very bad.  Most of my extreme fetish calls are coming out of New York.  The Incest is Best Recruiter is from New York.  That guy has so many fetishes I don't think he knows what Vanilla sex is.

I will also ask for a brief description.  I do this because almost every caller bases his decision on whether or not he is going to speak to a PSO based on the description she gives.  As if it matters what I look like.  I could be a 300 pound purple alien with multiple eye stalks and a bad fungal infection of the skin for all a caller knows about me.  Plus, a lot of men don't know what the numbers they so desperately crave really mean.  They have no idea how a woman's bra size translates into the size of her tits.  Or what a weight to height ratio really is.  I once described myself as 5'8'' and 108 pounds to a caller just to test him and he told me I needed to lose weight.  Actually, his kink was trying to make a PSO feel bad about her appearance.  I talked to him several times over the course of a few days and, no matter what, he criticized my appearance.  Tall, short, fat, thin, big boobs or small, didn't matter.  He wanted to hear a PSO disparage her appearance and talk about the lengths she would go to change it, if she could.  He also enjoyed adding to the abuse with a little verbal humiliation, telling me that boys thought I was ugly and I should be thankful to any boy who ever lowered his standards to fuck me.  It was very hard not to laugh at this asshole.

I also strongly discourage callers from trying to start a call while already in what they think is their 'sexy persona'.  Oh god, please stop doing that.  Midwestern men especially sound horrible when they are trying to be sexy.  It's worse than fingernails on a chalk board.  They, almost universally, pitch their voices a little higher than normal and tack this whiny little 'hmm?' at the end of every statement.  For example; "You must be a really naughty, kinky, girl, hmm?"  It is one of the most disgusting sounds I have ever heard and so many of them do it.  Mr Gross and Boring does it, it's one of the many reasons I cannot stand talking to him.  There is a guy who has an incredibly nasal sounding voice who is the worst.  I put my hand over the mic when I hear him because he'll ask me if I am in the mood to be a naughty girl for him as soon as I say hello.  I hear that nasal whine of his and I lose it.  At lot of them beg, and I really do mean beg, for sex.  There is a guy who calls me 'honey-baby' (all one word) and begs me to come, incessantly, from the beginning of the call to the end, whining the entire time.  Luckily, he doesn't call often.

Yet, there are callers who consistently break those rules and I let them get away with it.  The Acolyte rarely talks about himself.  It took me several calls for me to find out anything about him.  He always starts out in persona and wants to jump into his fantasy right away.  At first, I hated his guts because of that and the fact that he really does expect me to keep track of his particular kink and remember the details from call to call.  The only way I could get a long call out of him was to match him with my own Domme persona right from the beginning and carefully log the details of each call.  It's worth the effort, talking to the Acolyte keeps my call time average very high and I have gotten used to him.  He was also the only caller who realized I had a nasty cold last week and broke persona long enough to wish that he could bring me chicken soup and admonish me to take care of myself.  He also waited patiently for my coughing spells to stop so I could continue with his fantasy.  I covered the phone so callers couldn't hear me but, my timing wasn't always perfect on that maneuver.  Most callers will immediately hang up if a PSO coughs or sneezes.

Most black callers are the same way, though only one of them have a fetish as disturbing as the Acolyte's.  They start out in persona and want to jump right into their fantasies like they are springing off a dive board.  They want to hear about how big my ass is and usually talk about how unattractive they find skinny women, especially skinny white women.  Most of them are delightfully raunchy.  If I show the slightest amount of genuine enthusiasm about sex, they are overjoyed.  They are also respectful (I am excluding Who Dis from this description.  He is the exception that makes the rule) or can be made to be respectful very quickly.  Black men tend to like my sass and my inability to act submissive.  If they start out pushy and I threaten to bite them, they tend to laugh in surprise and then ask me what I want to do to them.  Black men tend to like me to take the lead.  The ones who don't, just want a willing participant in their fantasy.  The only caller I will call 'Daddy' is black and deserves a gold medal in the phone sex fantasy Olympics.  He starts out a call by asking if his 'baby girl' missed him and then goes on to describes what we are doing, in vivid detail, for the next half hour.  I can say one thing, he has one hell of an imagination. I barely get a word in.  I just take notes while I am listening to him and let him run.  The one with the really bad fetish either reads too many fuck books or has the most fucked up family life imaginable.  Since he seems to have never run into a woman who isn't completely dick-dazzled within minutes of meeting him, I am guessing that he just reads a lot of badly written porn.

I always wonder about the callers who tell me fantastical stories of their sexual escapades in deadpan voices as if they are giving a speech in English class.  Are they trying to shock me?  If so, the only thing that I find shocking is the fact that they think I will find their lurid recitations thrilling. The Architect with his tale of sexual exploitation by his 12 year old goddaughter, the Pathetic Call Center Boy with his flashing and his sexual adventures committed with female family members, or even Twincest and his tale of being sodomized by his brother as a child and his own son as an adult.  There are others like the Disgusting Little Booger who can barely string together a coherent sentence but, assures me that he is so desirable that teenage girls pay him for sex.

Other than Twincest, all of these callers have one thing in common;  they are convince that all women care about is the size of a man's cock and, of course, they are packing a big one.  They tell me their tales and expect...what exactly?  That I will be as dick-dazzled as the women in their stories?  That hearing about their prowess will make me come in an instant, shrieking in pleasure?  They are in for a very long wait, if that is what they are calling for.  Unlike the Delightfully Raunchy callers I find entertaining as hell, these men with their ridiculous stories just leave me cold.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I Am Trying To Get It

I read an article on cracked.com that stated men are attracted to the sound of a women vocalizing while enjoying sex.  Okay, my bad.  There is an evolutionary reason for men to like the sound of me moaning.  It's not just watching too much porn.  Guess I shouldn't give the Sound Effect guys a hard time anymore.  Yeah, like that's going to happen.  They still have to start with a little conversation and not just "Let me hear the sound of you coming, Come on, give it to me, bitch."

I also read several articles that stated that Mommy/Son is the oldest and most universal taboo in all human cultures.  Yeah, I am still obsessing about incest.  Every time I think I have reached a resolution, callers drag me back into my internal debate.  Sunday felt like the hosting service had been handing out goddamned coupons for incest fantasies and most callers wanted Mommy/Son.  More than once caller told me they were going through a rough time because of money problems or divorce and wanted to imagine Mommy fucking them to make them feel better.  I am paraphrasing, of course.  One guy wanted a fantasy where he was a teenage boy and his mother discovered that he had been stealing her underwear to masturbate with while she was making his bed.  That one blew my mind and he was just the first.  As creepy as Mommy/Son fantasies are to me, the part that pisses me off is that they almost always start with Mommy doing some domestic chore for the bastard that he could and should damn well do himself.  It's like they want to imagine June Cleaver going down on them while she is ironing their fucking shirts.

I asked a caller and he told me that, for him, a woman doing domestic chores for him is nurturing; making his bed, doing his laundry, cooking for him, etc.  The cooking part makes sense to me, the rest...just doesn't.  Men can connect nurturing with sex in a way most women can't.  That's why I have a caller who calls himself Diaperboy.  When a man thinks of nurturing, he gets a warm and fuzzy feeling.  When a woman thinks of nurturing, she thinks 'that's a lot of goddamned work'.  The other thing about the Mommy/Son calls I was getting Sunday that drove me up the wall, they all wanted to be Lazy Fuckers.  They wanted to set up the fantasy and then have me take over so they could just lay back, stroking their cocks, and listen to me tell them a story about how I would seduce them while acting like a Mommy.  Jesus, just writing about it is fucking grossing me out.

So I did some research and stumbled over a website in the wee hours of the morning that has some really good articles.  One of the things that stuck with me the next day was an article that stated the Mommy/Son incest taboos could be found in every culture of the planet.  I knew that, actually.  The writer went on to state the reason for this is because a man's image of what is beautiful in a woman is based on the appearance of his primary caretaker as a child.  A boy thinks that his mother is beautiful, therefore a man finds a woman who reminds him of his mother beautiful.  The line can be crossed very easily therefore the taboo exists and has for a very long time.  Sorry, I can't cite the author.  I didn't bookmark the website and, of course, can't find it again.  If this sounds familiar to anyone, please let me know.

Some callers want a Mommy/Son incest fantasy because it is a taboo.  They just want to do something 'nasty' and forbidden, what the fantasy is really doesn't matter as long as it is extreme.  Others can't use phone sex to get off unless it is a Mommy/Son fantasy.  They are heavily invested in the imagery for masturbation.  I had a regular who was definitely thinking of his mother while talking about his fantasy.  He got pissed at me when I changed my schedule to avoid the Downer because it was inconvenient for him and now he won't talk to me.  I am not heartbroken by the development, I found the man deeply disturbing for a number of different reasons.  He wanted me to contact him outside of the hosting company and had serious anger control issues.  If I expressed a view contrary to his while we were chatting, he would explode and start screaming obscenities at me.  Some men want a Mommy/Son fantasy when they feel the need to be coddled because life is dragging them down.  I find the concept strange, when I think of being 'coddled', I don't think of sex.  Maybe that's part of the reason I have such a hard time with these callers, their fantasies don't make sense to me.

And I never thought of either of my parents as sexually attractive.  I could acknowledge that, at their best, they were both very good looking people and can understand why others did.  I am just still too goddamned angry at those perpetually immature assholes to ever think of them in sexual terms.  At the same time, I have seen the programming in action.  The man I loved was initially attracted me because of my physical resemblance to his mother.  He would never acknowledge it but, everyone else knew it was a factor.  My own brother tends to prefer women who look and act like our mother.  Which means he dates women who look and act like me.  Not sure how I feel about that so I'll just blame Mommy for that one.

Also, the thought of mixing sex with nurturing makes my skin crawl.  In my mind, there is a very large, dark, line drawn with concertina wire and Hellfire between sex and children.  I nurture a child.  I have sex with an adult.

Nope, still don't understand these fuckers.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Guilt Free Fantasy Fuck List

This one is going to take a bit of time to explain.  I grew up in a small town in the Midwest that exists only because a very large university is there.  For those of you who have had a similar upbringing, you will understand what a schizophrenic experience that can be; growing up surrounded by people studying and discussing all these fascinating ideas with very little backlash and then realizing that the people who live 10 miles down the road consider you a dangerous subversive just because you live there.  In the town I grew up in there is a coffeehouse I am not going to name here.  My friends and family still live in that community.  Unfortunately, so does my stalker.  The coffeehouse is an absolutely wonderful haven for people where people of all ideologies were welcome as long as they could discuss those beliefs calmly and share the floor with others who disagreed with them.  Trust me when I say that disagreements were common and often heated but, hateful behavior was not tolerated by either the staff or the patrons.

This philosophy became apparent after 9/11 when 'locals' tried to harass the large Muslim customer population of the coffeehouse and it was the other patrons who took a stand against them.    The community at large has a significant Muslim population because of the university.  The coffeehouse was a popular hang out among the Muslims because it is the only establishment in town that did not serve alcohol or pork.  The limited menu served is completely vegetarian.  The best example of this behavior I can relay to you is when a truck full of racist assholes started catcalling at a Muslim family walking into the coffeehouse.  My friend took out her camera and began walking around the truck, snapping pictures of the license plate and the occupants while another dialed the police.  My friend is an artist who was studying photography at the time.  She is also a 6'4" Black transsexual who had returned to school after a brief career in professional sports and has a fondness for frighteningly long, fake eyelashes when she dresses up.  The friend dialing the police taught Chinese history and still dressed like the biker he had been during his 'lost period'.  The locals departed post haste, the police arrived and took statements from all of us.  My friend turned over her camera without hesitation (it was later returned without a problem) and we all went inside and enjoyed a round of celebratory mochas.

The guilt free fantasy fuck list discussion started when we were sitting around trying to sort out the differences between male and female sexuality.  I stumbled through an explanation of how men seem to own their sexuality in a way women haven't seemed to master.  I noticed that men, hetero or homo, have no problem discussing (in often graphic detail) people they sexually desire.  On the other hand, women usually stop at "Oh god, he's so hot!", at least, in public.  At the time, I worked at a business that was predominately staffed by men and stumbled into those conversations on a daily basis.  To be fair to the men I worked with at the time, they did not engage in that behavior while they knew I was present but, it was a large business and my job duties required me to coordinate with several different departments.  I often overheard the men I worked with having workplace inappropriate conversations while moving around the building.  My first conclusion; men talk about sex a lot.  My second; men are perfectly comfortable speculating on the sexual attractiveness of anyone and everyone they see (including me).  A sure fire way of telling whether or not they had been discussing the size of my tits; how many of them blushed and found something else to do far away from me after they laid eyes on me.  Some of my friends were pressuring me to make a complaint to human resources but, I didn't feel threatened by the behavior.  As I said, my male co-workers made a point of not having those conversations around me and I view those conversations as normal.  People talk about sex all the time whether they are at work or at play.  They just usually don't do it in a mixed gender public gathering like my group of friends and I at the coffeehouse, which is why I asked everyone seated at the table to answer this question:

"If you could have guilt free, responsibility free, sex with anyone at all, fictional or real, living or dead, who would it be?"

The men at the table had no problem answering the question.  Thoroughly. With multiple variations and vivid detail.  The women squirmed and traded glances, daring each other to go first.  I bit the bullet and forged ahead.

"Marc Alaimo."  No one at the table knew who that was.  "The actor who plays Gul Dukat on Deep Space 9." I am a complete and utter geek and always have been. Blame my parents for family time as a child spent watching Star Trek and Doctor Who on PBS, back to back, every afternoon.  I also have strange taste in men, they don't seem to mind.  Sue me.

Some of my friends were horrified.  The character is a rather despicable villain.  I pointed out that my question specified 'guilt-free' and 'responsibility-free' therefore I didn't have to justify my attraction in any way.  My fantasies don't have to be restricted to only those worthy of being considered sexually attractive, (whatever the hell that means).  The people on my fantasy fuck list could be anyone (or anything) I could think of and find sexually attractive.  I watched the idea started to sink in with the women at the table.

"Tyler Durden," a friend said in a rush.  She went on to clarify that she meant Brad Pitt's portrayal of the character in the movie Fight Club, not the character as he is portrayed in the novel.  Just about everyone at the table agreed to that one.

Slowly, the other women joined in.  It was fun at hell.  Some of them added details, most of them did not.  Many of them added so many qualifiers to their fantasies that it was obvious they completely missed the point.  Why should a woman care if the object of her fantasies is married or not?  It simply doesn't matter in a sexual fantasy.  Men don't worry about the relationship status of the women or men they lust after, they just enjoy the lust.  I explained to my friends what I was seeing and asked everyone (including myself) why women feel like their sexuality is restricted even in fantasy.  I do understand why women are cautious about discussing sex in public.  Someday I will blog about some of the looks I have gotten from others while out with friends.  However, there is no reason for a woman to 'hold back' in her own mind.  What I want to know is why do we feel that we have to?

Over the years, I have explained the concept and asked the question to a lot of different women.  For the most part, the response is the same.  Women laugh nervously when asked and wait until I offer my own example.  And then they get into the idea.  A few of my friends and I regularly talk about our lists as a joke, mentioning a new entry or talking about some celebrity's relative ranking depending on what is happening.  A close friend of mine and I love comparing our lists because even though we have very similar taste in just about everything, we have very different taste in men.

I use my fantasy fuck list as a PSO constantly but, not to picture my persona interacting with them.  I rarely think about the caller's appearance at all.  I focus on my actions and the surroundings because, for me, the encounter has to make sense.  That's why a caller who wants me to do things like pretend to be his mother who discovers that he has been masturbating with her underwear while she is making his bed is complete and utter bullshit to me.

If he's old enough to masturbate, he's old enough to make his own goddamned bed.

A Change In Behavior

Twincest does not recognize my voice anymore.  It has been that long since we have spoken.  He also doesn't seem to be interested in is usual kink of brothers fucking.  That's a relief.  Instead, Twincest has become a Sleeper.  He kept drifting off while we were speaking, tonight.  I guess he's lonely.

Friday, April 13, 2012


When I started, no one warned me that callers would want to talk about what I do with other people. What little I thought I knew about phone sex made me think that callers would want to hear about what I would do with them.  I have never seen or read about a phone sex encounter in any media that shows how many time a caller wants to talk about other people but, it happens all the time.  In fact, most of the callers I have discussed so far have wanted more than just me in the fantasy.  Which is really fucking insulting, when I think about it.

Mr. Gross and Boring was the first caller I dealt with who wanted to suck my boyfriend's cock.  As much as I don't like the man, he really is the training wheels caller for a new operator.  He has a very specific fantasy and he is very straightforward about what he wants.  He also is patient with an operator while she is stumbling through his fantasy for the first time if he likes the sound of her voice.  If he doesn't like the sound of her voice or she comes on too strong, he is a Silent Caller.  An operator has a minute or so to impress him with the sound of her voice or he will hang up without ever saying a word to her.  I know because I asked him one day why he kept seeking me out.  Most callers like to imagine that they are having some sort of romantic encounter with a woman who wants to be with them and happens to have the same kink.  Mr Gross and Boring wants to suck my boyfriend's cock so I need a fictional boyfriend with a cock he can suck.  I pictured a character from a movie I had watched the night before and voila, instant boyfriend.  I have blogged about this before.  In this case, I used the image of an actor named Jimmi Simpson and the character he played in a horror movie as a model for his behavior.  I happen to think that Mr. Simpson is a very good looking man and the character he played in that movie reminded me of a boy I dated in high school.  I don't care about his personal life, I am using his image to create a character I use.  Anyway, he should be flattered.  My version of him has a huge cock and can fuck for hours.

Another actor I use as a character when I am telling a fantasy is Norman Reedus.  He would probably not be flattered if he found out.  There are several Family Lovin' callers I have to deal with on a regular basis.  One of the few I can actually tolerate is a writer from Texas who wants to hear about brothers fucking.  Twincest (that's what I will call him here) has a twin brother and the 2 have been fucking since early adolescence.  Please remember to take this information with a grain of salt.  Twincest could be lying to me to try to get me to talk about a subject that turns him on or he could really like having his brother fuck him in the ass.  I have no way of knowing and, truthfully, don't care.  The only thing I cared about at the time was my ability to convince him that I was dating a very nice young man who had a thing for getting fucked by his brother.  I needed two characters who were brothers with a complicated relationship and I watch The Walking Dead because I love a good zombie Apocalypse, so there you go.  I described the Dixon brothers enjoying the occasional threesome very thoroughly without using the names and Twincest was utterly entranced.  To put a little twist on it, I described having sex with my boyfriend while his brother fucked him from behind on several occasions but, told him that I had not had sex with the older brother yet. It was the next stage of our relationship and we three had been waiting for the perfect moment.  We had a weekend getaway planned for next weekend.  I told Twincest that I was very excited to finally have sex with the brother even though I was a little intimidated by him.  I made it clear that I find him very sexy and he has a great cock, I just hope that little old me is up to the brother's very exacting standards.  I hope you are flattered, Michael Rooker.  Some pervert in Texas thinks that you can fuck like a god even though you are really kinky.

I use characters from television shows, movies, books, etc. instead of real people because I am more comfortable doing it that way.  I often pull names from my personal life for the characters I create.  I never use the character or actor's name and I never tell a caller I have fucked that particular actor.  My persona is a small town girl with loose morals and sexual experience of an international escort.  She's isn't a starfucker because she hasn't had the opportunity and hasn't sought it out.  She's happy the way she is.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Lazy Day

I am not going to obsess about work today.  I am not going to do research.  I am going to chill out and think my own thoughts for one damn day.

And read a book about a Zombie Apocalypse.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Another Difficult Subject

I had a really good night on Monday.  Considering the last week, I feel slightly reassured.  Either I am able to adapt to the needs of my job or my favorite supervisor has settled down again.  Since I did not speak to any regulars last night, I am betting on the former.  In fact, my paranoid little self is imaging some evil bastard stationed in the call center deliberately connecting me to the worst callers available and cursing my name every time I manage to turn these jerks' fantasies into a decent length call.  Instead of talking to regulars, I got stuck tap dancing my way through Pedophile night.

My first call was just talking to another Canadian; mostly about travel.  He still managed to be pretty sleazy but, he didn't want to argue about politics, call me vile names, or have me order him to masturbate with a Brillo pad.  I'll put him down in my log book as a good caller for not wanting that last one alone.  The next one wanted to talk about how much he loves to fuck little boys.  He didn't give me details, thank god but, I did have to listen to his vile bullshit and make appreciative listening sounds at strategic moments.  I wonder if he knows that the hosting company monitors calls and records anything that sounds illegal.  The second one started with 'I want to fuck my 3 year old niece.'  When I failed to make an appreciative noise right after hearing that charming statement, he hung up.  The third one asked if I had any young girls living with me.  I have spoken to this fucking creepazoid before.  That particular caller is looking for a woman crazy enough to pimp out her very young daughters.  This caller also lives in the same city I do.  Oh, lucky me.  My answer?  "Sorry, no."  My rule of thumb when dealing with Pedophile callers is simple.  If they do the talking, I'll listen and make acceptable active listening noises.  If they expect me to tell a story about how I really want to watch a child getting fucked by them, they are out of luck.  I just can't do it and no, I'm not really trying.  It is one of the few aspects of human sexuality where I have not done a great deal of research reading.  I did try.  There are some erotica sites that will post stories that involve pedophilia but, I can't stomach them.

The fourth one started out as a Delightfully Raunchy and descended into grossness after the first ten minutes.  The caller claimed to be a porn actor who was having a hard time (no pun intended) settling down after a day of shooting.  He had called two escorts  but, wanted some company while he was waiting for them to arrive.  He told me that the secret of his success in porn is because he doesn't find skinny women attractive.  He can get hard and stay that way without coming because he is not that physically attracted to his co-stars.  Then he started telling me about his personal life.  He has 3 children by three different mothers and maintained relationships with his children by maintaining his friendships with their mothers.  When he started talking about the fact that one of the women was sexually abused by her father as a girl and he was sure that was why she is such a freak in the bedroom, I knew I was in trouble.  He is not the first caller I have spoken to who has made the connection between childhood sexual assault and adult 'slut status'.  There is a caller who will only speak to PSOs who admit to being sexually abused as children.  He says that they make the 'best sluts' because they will do anything.  The thought that there are men who are aware of how much damage sexual assault does to little girls and like it is unbelievably foul to me.

And then there was the last caller.  I have spoken to him several times before and enjoyed it.  He likes to talk about sex but, he really doesn't want a fantasy or sound effects.  His tastes in sex are about as Vanilla as a man can get.  He knows I am a Domme; one time he asked what I was into and I decided to test him by telling him the truth.  We had a long conversation about how Dommes are portrayed in porn and how for most of us, that is not how we express our sexuality.  His response was "Thank god because most of that shit is just fucking weird," and then apologized for insulting me.  I laughed so hard I had to force myself to stop to catch my breath.

He's a good old boy from a very small town in the South where there are exactly two major employers; a Walmart Superstore and the small manufacturing plant where he works.  He is a single father with a teenage son.  His girlfriend split to get something more out of life and left her son behind.  She has recently returned and that might be the reason why he has turned to phone sex.  She would like to get back together with him.  He doesn't want that but, admits that there aren't a lot of single women his age available to date in his area.  Like I said, this one just likes to talk.  That's why I know so much about this caller.

The reason I am talking about him here?  He told me that he has become infatuated with a teenage girl who is a friend of his son's.  Those are my words, not his.  What he told me is that this girl, who lives nearby, likes to hang out with him and his son while they are working on his truck in his garage.  She was there one night about a month ago when he looked up at her and realized that she is starting to develop breasts.  He told me that he looked over at her, thought "nice rack", then realized he was ogling a 13 year old girl and felt like a scumbag.  The problem is he's thinking about her often and she is always underfoot.  They live in the same neighborhood.  He and her mother work together and carpool together.  The girl goes to school with his son.

He told me that the girl's mother is in a rough spot; she is working full time to support her family and taking care of her recently disabled husband.  He asked me if he should try to tell the mother that it's time for her little girl to start wearing a bra.  I said yes.  As one parent to another, letting the overworked mother know that she might need to have a conversation with her teenage daughter on how to dress appropriately is a good idea.  The woman might also choose to have a conversation about a few other subjects at the same time.  Considering what he has told me about her life, I would guess that the woman hasn't had a moment to stop and look at her daughter in months.  That might be the reason why this girl is hanging out in her neighbors garage.

He asked me what he should do.  I told him to stop letting this girl hang out in his garage.  That is already happening; his son is on a team and at practice in the afternoon now and his truck has decided to run for the time being.  He has also been making a point of going out and trying to meet women closer to his own age (or at least, street legal).  He also admitted that he went looking for some sort of support, online.

I know what he found, nothing.  There is absolutely no support for a person who has an inappropriate interest in a child and doesn't want to be a pedophile unless that person has already committed the crime and been found guilty.  There are no forums, support groups, etc.  There are plenty of pro-pedophilia sites available but, nothing for a person who doesn't want to hurt a child.  It is not even safe for a person to confide in a counselor.  If the counselor decides that the patient is dangerous to a child, the counselor must report it to the police.

The truth is that I don't think that this guy is at risk of becoming a pedophile.  The sheer amount of disgust he feels at his own interest is a big part of the reason.  Unlike callers who want to hear a PSO support the idea that a teenage girl has the hots for them; he doesn't obsess about her actions, what they mean, and what secret message she is trying to convey to him.  He obsesses about his own thoughts and what might be wrong with him.  What is wrong is that he lives in a culture that worships youth and engages in the sexualization of children.  He lives in a culture that equates sexual beauty with youth.  The truth is that men, a whole lot of men, look at young girls and think "yum" without ever acting on those feelings.  I think that this caller is more upset at those feelings than most because he is groping his way through parenthood, single parenthood at that, without a hell of a lot of support.  God knows I have talked about sex with this guy often enough to know what he finds attractive.  He preference is for sexually aggressive brunettes close to his own age which might explain why he's so curious about me being a Domme.

I will probably never know the end of this story.  I sincerely hope that this guy finds a girl who introduces him to the joys of bondage using her thigh high stockings so he can to put his "nice rack" thought into context and forget about it.  And, I much as I think that adults who rape children should face the death penalty, I also wish that we could find some way to help the ones who want to get help without destroying their lives in the process.

Sometimes I just can't make this crap funny.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Don't Drink The Kool-Aid

The last week has been strange.  I thought it was because of the upcoming Easter holiday.  It seems that callers tend to scale down their phone sex expenditures before holidays and pick it up again once the holiday passes.  I just don't feel like speculating on why at this time.  For the past week, I have been getting connected to callers I usually don't speak to or repeatedly connected to callers who Hang Up @ Hello.  When I say repeatedly, I mean getting connected to the same caller multiple times in a row.  I filed in the back of my mind as weird and plowed ahead.

Saturday, I was placed on call after the first half hour on my shift.  My first caller disconnected the call when someone knocked on his front door.  I heard him answer the door before hanging up so I believe him when he said he had to go.  Not there was anything I could do about it if he had been lying to me.  Then I was connected to the same Short Timer over and over again.  He used a different name and location for each call but he had a very distinctive speaking voice and asked the same questions each time.  He seemed to be very concerned about the age of the PSO and would not say why.  After 5 rounds of this bullshit, the supervisor for the hosting company put me 'on call'.

I was furious and called my boss.  This bullshit is something that the Downer would pull, connecting a PSO to a caller who doesn't want to talk to her multiple times and then blaming her for 'failing'.  You can't please everyone all the time.  The Saturday supervisor doesn't pull that crap, normally.  I couldn't understand what was going on.  The Boss tried his usual round of reassuring lies; everyone gets treated the same, no, they are not deliberately connecting you with the worst asshole available.  I kept my mouth shut, there is no reason for me to point out how statistically impossible it is for a business with hundreds of phone lines to only have this one jerk available for me to be connected to me for half an hour.  I just told him that the last week had been strange.  He responded by telling me that my favorite supervisor at the hosting company has been drinking the Kool-aid at work and is starting to engage the same sort of harassment that the Downer uses.

Oh, say it ain't so.  If that is true, my life is going to really suck.  Part of the way every PSO keeps her call length average up is by the supervisor connecting her to her regulars on a nightly basis.  The Downer does the opposite, he makes sure that a PSO isn't connected to her regulars.  If my favorite supervisor starts doing the same thing, my call time average will hit the floor and I won't be able to predict how much money I will make during the week.  I can't imagine that this is effective for the hosting company, either.  On the other hand, the Downer has been getting away with it for years, according to my boss, so it must work at some level.

I am going to work this week and see what happens.  If this continues, I may have to find another company to work for and I am not looking forward to that.

Saturday, April 7, 2012


I watch Harry's Law.  I happen to like legal shows and I like the actress, Kathy Bates.  I even like the character she portrays despite her character being a Republican.  At least, she's a Republican I can understand and respect.  The last episode I watched caught my attention because it deals with a woman who was terminated unfairly because she once considered sex entertainment as a way to make extra money in a financial crisis.  The character portrayed on the show did some research, made an audition 'tape' and ultimately, decided against submitting that tape to a website.  However,  she is still investigated by the police by use of a camera drone.  How the police came to investigate her is never clarified.  I believe the plot point was 'anonymous tip'.  She is terminated from her position as an elementary school teacher and takes the school district to court.  This work of fiction is loosely based on the experiences of a real person, I believe.  A schoolteacher was removed from her position for revealing in a response to an op-ed piece that she had been a prostitute in the past.  The worst part of her story is this; I read about that schoolteacher in a slideshow article on teacher/student scandals.  Her story of being a former sex worker was lumped together with women who had sex with underage partners.  In the mind of the author, the crime of being a sex worker was as heinous as being an adult who sexually exploited children.

The message seems to be if a woman markets her sexuality (or even thinks about doing so) to survive, she is forever tainted.  Not just tainted, corrupted, and no longer safe to be around.  I find that belief a frightening concept.  Being a phone sex operator, actress, performer, whatever, has changed me.  For one thing, I am much more comfortable talking about sex and using language most people would find shocking.  I will admit that the shocking part wasn't exactly a huge leap for me.  I have made a point of being verbally aggressive since I was a teenager and I discovered that using explicit language was one way of doing so.   I have also become much more aware of what men find sexually exciting and boy, do women's magazine get it wrong.  No wonder men look at them, befuddled, and wonder what the hell is going on.  At the same time, it is men who think that a woman who markets her sexuality is somehow fundamentally different from a 'normal' woman.  That's why Mr. Gross-and-Boring called me a 'sexy bitch' to get me involved in his fantasy.  A compliment I am sure he would not use with a woman he knows in his day to day life and would not consider appropriate under those circumstances.  The other way it has changed me?  I have become even more circumspect concerning the people I allow into my personal life.  I am acutely aware of the stigma attached to my profession (and the fetish) and I choose not to deal with it when I am not working.

As a culture, America doesn't seem to believe in giving people second chances.  We appear to enjoy judging people at the worst possible moment in their lives and wrapping that moment around them like a shroud.  This really hit home with my last customer service job.  The interviewer made a point of telling me that the business was 'felony friendly'.  Having only just heard the term a few days before, I was a little slow on the uptake in my response.  I shrugged and said that whether or not they hired felons wasn't an issue for me.  I thought she was asking if I was okay with the idea of working with felons.  Wrong.  She was asking if I had failed to fill out the application completely.  There was an office manager at that company who was a former felon and loved to remind employees how difficult it was for former felons to find employment.  She used that line on me once, I reminded her that I wasn't, she responded with "Then, what the hell are you doing here?"  Most of my co-workers constantly complained of not being able to find jobs because so many doors were closed to them as felons.  These are people who have paid their debt to society.  Officially, they are done.  Yet, our culture will not give them the clean slate the law allows.

For women who work in the sex entertainment industry, it seems to be worse.  There are people who think that I am fundamentally different from them because of what I do for a living.  Whether they believe that I possess some innate character flaw that is the reason that I ended up a PSO or the taint is something that happened to me because of my job is not clear.  I just wish that people would please keep in mind that the most I ever do with a caller is talk.  To be honest, most of what I actually do with a caller is listen.  In any other circumstances, these would be considered admirable traits and they are the reason I am a good PSO.  I perform, using my voice and my imagination.  A web cam performer, a porn actress, an adult model, an adult dancer, a sex worker; they are all performing too.  Even if they enjoy what they do, they are performing as part of their job.  Real sex does not look or sound like performance sex.  Sorry to disappoint, guys.  It seems to me that men really want to believe that there are women somewhere in the world who will fuck any man at any time any way the man (or men) in question want with no thought to her own health, safety, or happiness.  Sort of a secret league of international nymphomaniacs who get together periodically to decide on which handful of poor schmucks they all agree NOT TO FUCK and every straight man on the planet fears his name is at the top of the list.

Guess what, boys?  There actually is a list and being an asshole is the fastest way to get on it and stay there.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Hang up @ Hello

I keep a log book of my calls.  I have mentioned this before and explained why it is important for a PSO to do so.  What I have not mentioned before, in any great detail, is how many hang ups I get.  The hosting service does not have individual extensions for PSOs so callers have to find an operator they like by the 'catch and release' method.  If they like my voice (or recognize my voice and like me) after I say 'hello', we start talking.  I am excluding Lazy Fuckers and Silent Callers from this explanation.  Those assholes operate under an entirely different set of rules.  If the caller doesn't like the sound of my voice or recognizes the sound of my voice and doesn't like me, he hangs up.  Trust me when I say this is a very effective method of getting rid of Short Timers like the Officious Little Prick or Who Dis.  Both of them need to burn in a special circle of hell while buggering each other, as far as I am concerned.  Who Dis demolished my call average one afternoon before I learned to just not play along with the fucker.  Whatever he is looking for, I am not that PSO.  I just let him know that right away by demanding that he give me a name before I answer any questions.

What it comes down to is this; I get hung up on a lot.  During training, it was made very clear that this is normal and to not take it personally.  The first few weeks, it was hard not to when I had the Downer screeching into my ear every time a caller hung up on me.  It seems no one told the Downer not to take hang ups personally.  This was before I learned to avoid the disagreeable fuck.  The Downer demands that every PSO on his shift give 100% all the time with every call.  Yeah, right.  Not going to happen.  I'm not going to 'give it my all' to a caller on a shitty cell phone, or a caller who has me on speakerphone.  Listening to myself while I'm performing is too damn distracting.  I think I sound like an idiot and I don't like the sound of my own voice (too Midwestern).  Obviously, callers don't share my opinion, otherwise I wouldn't have a job but, I'm not going to put up with being on speakerphone.  I'm not going to put a lot of effort into trying to get a long call out of a notorious Short Timer.  If a caller has a track record of hanging up on me after 3-4 minutes, he's not worth my time.  Talking to him will literally cost me money.  (On a side note; I just managed to wrangle a 10 minute call out of Diaperboy, a recent edition to the Short Timer list since he started asking PSOs to help him advertise his freaking website)  I'm not going to put a lot of effort into talking to a caller I don't like, though usually my reason for not liking a caller is because he's a Short Timer.  The notable exception is Mr Gross-and-Boring.  He is not a Short Timer but, I don't like the way he talks about sex or how pushy he is so I won't talk to him.  I won't put any effort into a call with a caller who wants a mommy/son incest fantasy, a rape fantasy or a pedophile fantasy.  I like to make it clear from the beginning that these types of role play leave me cold.  Not sexy at all, assholes, and I don't care if this is an 'anything goes' line.  If you want a PSO who can pretend that shit is sexy, you need to find one who is a much better performer than I am.  I can handle just about any fetish under the sun except the ones that involve non-consent.  Being a Domme does not mean that I have any interest in non-consensual sex.

One of the worst fantasies I have ever been asked to perform is also one of the most bizarre; the man wanted a Mommy/son incest fantasy with a twist, the 'mommy' is a transsexual presenting her adult son with a 10 year old boy as a birthday present.  The first time I talked to this caller, I just let him talk and kept telling him I was having a hard time picturing his fantasy.  The asshole kept talking until his time ran out.  The second time, I kept asking him questions until he got frustrated and hung up.  Now, I just tell him that I'm 'just not into it' and he hangs up.  The ultimate fantasy of phone sex is that the PSO is 'really into' the callers' fantasy.  Most callers get violently upset if they realize that the PSO is just performing.  They don't want to think about the fact that the PSO is being paid for her participation unless part of their fantasy is forcing the PSO to participate.

When a caller hangs up on me after hearing me say hello, I don't take it personally, anymore.  There are times when I wish I could ask him what the hell he is looking for or why a woman saying 'hello' is insufficient.  One of my regulars, the Romantic, hates the way I answer when I am connected and says so every time we speak.  He points out that most other PSOs start out by giving their name and a brief description so a caller can decide whether or not he wants to speak with her without any effort on his part.  He tries to order me to change my behavior to make things easier for him.  I tell him to go to hell, every time.  I find it astonishing that callers think they can order me to change my behavior simply for their convenience (we haven't even gotten to their fantasy) and expect to be obeyed.  Yet, it happens every day I work.

Hey Assholes!  In case I was not clear, you do not get to decide how I do my job.  I am doing just fine without your oh so helpful suggestions.  Please exercise the right to keep your opinions to yourself.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


Someone tried to hijack my blogger account.  I think I am in shock.  Why the hell would anyone care?

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Oh Fuck

There is a guy who calls in and tells this horrible tale of woe.  He was born with a disability and then developed another, horrible, debilitating illness as an adult.  His brother died of cancer.  He is estranged from the rest of his family, etc.  Talking to him is like listening to a bad soap opera.  I keep waiting for the next meteor strike.  Believe it or not, I have enjoyed talking to this man on occasion.  Too bad I figured out what his other little trick is.

Tale of Woe is also the Travel Agent.  Dammit.  I have written about this jerk before; the caller I thought had a stewardess fantasy and turned out to be  an 'Of course, you want to meet me so I can fuck you" fantasy.  I suspect that, in the past, he has been very careful about mixing his two personas with the same person.  I think he just got a little confused tonight.  Or was trying to push the two with me because I threatened to report him to the monitor when he started that Travel Agent bullshit.  Either way, I'm kind of disappointed.  As Tale of Woe, he is fun to talk to.  He spreads a little misery but, his stories about his father are funny as hell.  As the Travel Agent, he's just a Short Timer asshole who needs to be avoided and will eventually get himself banned from the hosting service.  When a caller manages to piss off a monitor, the caller better think about finding a new phone sex service.  They are not a forgiving bunch and some of them are very protective of the PSOs call time average because it affects their bottom line.

Cost us money, man, and you are OUT.