Looking foolish does the spirit good. The need not to look foolish is one of youth's many burdens; as we get older we are exempted from more and more, and float upward in our heedlessness, singing Gratia Dei sum quod sum. - Johm Updike

Thanks be to God that I am what I am

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Speaking Of Masks

Well, that night was an interesting evening.  One caller I spoke to had an original idea about how phone sex works.  To be fair, it was more of an variation on the same tired bullshit I hear every time I work.  This particular caller just managed to take it one step further than I had ever heard before.  I was signed into the second hosting company I work for and not having a great evening.  On the first hosting company lines, the late night callers tend to be pretty mellow.  They have long, elaborate fantasies they are inclined to actually listen to.  Many of them just want to talk.  The exact opposite is true at the second company.  Late night callers on that line tend to be more impatient, more aggressive, more inclined to interrupt to speed the fantasy along to where they want to be as quickly as possible.  I started out strong that evening but, the last three calls tanked my average.

The first bad call was from a perv claiming to be a college student.  He wanted to call to move faster under the argument that he had already wasted several minutes with another PSO, talking about horses.  For the record, saying this is not a good way to get an experienced PSO to like you.  Don't tell me that you just tanked another's PSO's average because you were too impatient to tell her what you wanted and then moved on to me.  If you are so naive that you do not understand that phone sex is not a dating service and the women who work the lines are there for the money (and willing to work with you to give you the fantasy you want as long as you give them the time they need), perhaps you shouldn't be calling.

One of the other bad callers is the type I hate the most because he was fucking with me and we both know there very little I could do about it.  He was experienced enough to know that if he doesn't play fair long enough for me to get a decent call out of him, I will find a way to ditch him the next time he calls.  These types of callers are most common on the TVTS lines and are usually straight men pretending to be transsexual.  They are looking for a transsexual PSO who is living her life in a way that mirrors their fantasies about transsexual women.  I've talked before about this fetish.  It is still a subject I am struggling to understand.

The caller who managed to annoy me the most was a young man also calling for a transsexual.  He knew that I was pretending to be one and spoke about that subterfuge with the usual amount of contempt callers have when the illusion is pierced.  As if they are somehow being cheated by the experience even though he had enjoyed the fantasy up until that point.  He was the one who chose to confront the issue while asking me a question.  I did not bring it up first, as I have done with annoying callers in the past.  Here's were things really got weird.  He accused me of faking 'it' and, before I could say anything else, told me how he thought I was faking it.

This rather amazingly stupid young man thought that the only way I could possibly sound as sexy as I do is because...wait, this is the best part...I must be having sex with someone while I am speaking to him.  He believed that I am gay and having sex with my girlfriend while speaking to him so I could make myself sound the way I naturally sound.  Even writing that statement makes me pause with wonderment at how modern civilization shields the obtuse from certain death.  Are you kidding me?  You really think that I am actually having sex with another person while speaking to you?  Holy. Shit.  How dumb do they get?

Let me make this perfectly clear, again, I do not masturbate while I am working.  I don't have to be stimulating myself to sound the way I chose to.  Nor is it a job requirement for the hosting company.  Really, how the hell would they enforce that one if it was a rule?  I work from home, in another state from both hosting companies and the staffing company.  Anyway, I thank my lucky stars it is not a requirement, because the vast majority of callers bore me silly and a small percentage of them make me want to become a very specialized serial killer.  In other words, if I were in the mood, those idiots would kill it as soon as they started speaking.  The very few I actually enjoy speaking to are no more exciting than the random stranger you meet in public and engage in some unfocused flirting with before moving on with your day.  Ever try having sex when you are bored with your partner? Or angry?  I can't do either and never have.  I just don't understand the appeal of what people call 'angry sex'.  Ever try to have sex with someone you think is disgusting and doesn't deserve to breath the same air you do?  I shudder to think of it and there are a number of callers I put in that category.

The excitement for me comes from the storytelling.  Phone sex is like a verbal Improv theater in Hell.  I have one shot to grab my audience and if I fail, my ability to survive is at risk.  Remember, I am not talking to pervs because I get off on the experience.  I am talking to pervs for a living and because there is no trust fund waiting for me someday.  Until the economy picks up, this is pretty much it  for the job market where I live.  For the time being my job is to craft an erotic story, on the spot, tailored for the caller's fantasy and to pretend to enthusiastically participate no matter how I feel about his fantasy's content.  And I manage to do it, successfully, mind you, multiple times a day.

How's that for faking it?


  1. I gave this one a standing ovation before I realized that it was a blog I was reading on my computer. I feel stupid now. And no, I'm not kidding.

    I love the accusation of you 'faking it'. That's the best kind of idiotic assumption I've ever heard.

    Oh, and I also love the fact that you call it "Verbal Improv in Hell". I kinda wanna make that a thing with my Improv troupe now. :D

    Anyway, I'm amazed at how sheltered people are about what the service they're getting is. (More sheltered than me, even!)

  2. Evil Geinuis... Zombie Apocalypse...