Looking foolish does the spirit good. The need not to look foolish is one of youth's many burdens; as we get older we are exempted from more and more, and float upward in our heedlessness, singing Gratia Dei sum quod sum. - Johm Updike

Thanks be to God that I am what I am

Sunday, April 15, 2012

The Guilt Free Fantasy Fuck List

This one is going to take a bit of time to explain.  I grew up in a small town in the Midwest that exists only because a very large university is there.  For those of you who have had a similar upbringing, you will understand what a schizophrenic experience that can be; growing up surrounded by people studying and discussing all these fascinating ideas with very little backlash and then realizing that the people who live 10 miles down the road consider you a dangerous subversive just because you live there.  In the town I grew up in there is a coffeehouse I am not going to name here.  My friends and family still live in that community.  Unfortunately, so does my stalker.  The coffeehouse is an absolutely wonderful haven for people where people of all ideologies were welcome as long as they could discuss those beliefs calmly and share the floor with others who disagreed with them.  Trust me when I say that disagreements were common and often heated but, hateful behavior was not tolerated by either the staff or the patrons.

This philosophy became apparent after 9/11 when 'locals' tried to harass the large Muslim customer population of the coffeehouse and it was the other patrons who took a stand against them.    The community at large has a significant Muslim population because of the university.  The coffeehouse was a popular hang out among the Muslims because it is the only establishment in town that did not serve alcohol or pork.  The limited menu served is completely vegetarian.  The best example of this behavior I can relay to you is when a truck full of racist assholes started catcalling at a Muslim family walking into the coffeehouse.  My friend took out her camera and began walking around the truck, snapping pictures of the license plate and the occupants while another dialed the police.  My friend is an artist who was studying photography at the time.  She is also a 6'4" Black transsexual who had returned to school after a brief career in professional sports and has a fondness for frighteningly long, fake eyelashes when she dresses up.  The friend dialing the police taught Chinese history and still dressed like the biker he had been during his 'lost period'.  The locals departed post haste, the police arrived and took statements from all of us.  My friend turned over her camera without hesitation (it was later returned without a problem) and we all went inside and enjoyed a round of celebratory mochas.

The guilt free fantasy fuck list discussion started when we were sitting around trying to sort out the differences between male and female sexuality.  I stumbled through an explanation of how men seem to own their sexuality in a way women haven't seemed to master.  I noticed that men, hetero or homo, have no problem discussing (in often graphic detail) people they sexually desire.  On the other hand, women usually stop at "Oh god, he's so hot!", at least, in public.  At the time, I worked at a business that was predominately staffed by men and stumbled into those conversations on a daily basis.  To be fair to the men I worked with at the time, they did not engage in that behavior while they knew I was present but, it was a large business and my job duties required me to coordinate with several different departments.  I often overheard the men I worked with having workplace inappropriate conversations while moving around the building.  My first conclusion; men talk about sex a lot.  My second; men are perfectly comfortable speculating on the sexual attractiveness of anyone and everyone they see (including me).  A sure fire way of telling whether or not they had been discussing the size of my tits; how many of them blushed and found something else to do far away from me after they laid eyes on me.  Some of my friends were pressuring me to make a complaint to human resources but, I didn't feel threatened by the behavior.  As I said, my male co-workers made a point of not having those conversations around me and I view those conversations as normal.  People talk about sex all the time whether they are at work or at play.  They just usually don't do it in a mixed gender public gathering like my group of friends and I at the coffeehouse, which is why I asked everyone seated at the table to answer this question:

"If you could have guilt free, responsibility free, sex with anyone at all, fictional or real, living or dead, who would it be?"

The men at the table had no problem answering the question.  Thoroughly. With multiple variations and vivid detail.  The women squirmed and traded glances, daring each other to go first.  I bit the bullet and forged ahead.

"Marc Alaimo."  No one at the table knew who that was.  "The actor who plays Gul Dukat on Deep Space 9." I am a complete and utter geek and always have been. Blame my parents for family time as a child spent watching Star Trek and Doctor Who on PBS, back to back, every afternoon.  I also have strange taste in men, they don't seem to mind.  Sue me.

Some of my friends were horrified.  The character is a rather despicable villain.  I pointed out that my question specified 'guilt-free' and 'responsibility-free' therefore I didn't have to justify my attraction in any way.  My fantasies don't have to be restricted to only those worthy of being considered sexually attractive, (whatever the hell that means).  The people on my fantasy fuck list could be anyone (or anything) I could think of and find sexually attractive.  I watched the idea started to sink in with the women at the table.

"Tyler Durden," a friend said in a rush.  She went on to clarify that she meant Brad Pitt's portrayal of the character in the movie Fight Club, not the character as he is portrayed in the novel.  Just about everyone at the table agreed to that one.

Slowly, the other women joined in.  It was fun at hell.  Some of them added details, most of them did not.  Many of them added so many qualifiers to their fantasies that it was obvious they completely missed the point.  Why should a woman care if the object of her fantasies is married or not?  It simply doesn't matter in a sexual fantasy.  Men don't worry about the relationship status of the women or men they lust after, they just enjoy the lust.  I explained to my friends what I was seeing and asked everyone (including myself) why women feel like their sexuality is restricted even in fantasy.  I do understand why women are cautious about discussing sex in public.  Someday I will blog about some of the looks I have gotten from others while out with friends.  However, there is no reason for a woman to 'hold back' in her own mind.  What I want to know is why do we feel that we have to?

Over the years, I have explained the concept and asked the question to a lot of different women.  For the most part, the response is the same.  Women laugh nervously when asked and wait until I offer my own example.  And then they get into the idea.  A few of my friends and I regularly talk about our lists as a joke, mentioning a new entry or talking about some celebrity's relative ranking depending on what is happening.  A close friend of mine and I love comparing our lists because even though we have very similar taste in just about everything, we have very different taste in men.

I use my fantasy fuck list as a PSO constantly but, not to picture my persona interacting with them.  I rarely think about the caller's appearance at all.  I focus on my actions and the surroundings because, for me, the encounter has to make sense.  That's why a caller who wants me to do things like pretend to be his mother who discovers that he has been masturbating with her underwear while she is making his bed is complete and utter bullshit to me.

If he's old enough to masturbate, he's old enough to make his own goddamned bed.

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