Looking foolish does the spirit good. The need not to look foolish is one of youth's many burdens; as we get older we are exempted from more and more, and float upward in our heedlessness, singing Gratia Dei sum quod sum. - Johm Updike

Thanks be to God that I am what I am

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Another Difficult Subject

I had a really good night on Monday.  Considering the last week, I feel slightly reassured.  Either I am able to adapt to the needs of my job or my favorite supervisor has settled down again.  Since I did not speak to any regulars last night, I am betting on the former.  In fact, my paranoid little self is imaging some evil bastard stationed in the call center deliberately connecting me to the worst callers available and cursing my name every time I manage to turn these jerks' fantasies into a decent length call.  Instead of talking to regulars, I got stuck tap dancing my way through Pedophile night.

My first call was just talking to another Canadian; mostly about travel.  He still managed to be pretty sleazy but, he didn't want to argue about politics, call me vile names, or have me order him to masturbate with a Brillo pad.  I'll put him down in my log book as a good caller for not wanting that last one alone.  The next one wanted to talk about how much he loves to fuck little boys.  He didn't give me details, thank god but, I did have to listen to his vile bullshit and make appreciative listening sounds at strategic moments.  I wonder if he knows that the hosting company monitors calls and records anything that sounds illegal.  The second one started with 'I want to fuck my 3 year old niece.'  When I failed to make an appreciative noise right after hearing that charming statement, he hung up.  The third one asked if I had any young girls living with me.  I have spoken to this fucking creepazoid before.  That particular caller is looking for a woman crazy enough to pimp out her very young daughters.  This caller also lives in the same city I do.  Oh, lucky me.  My answer?  "Sorry, no."  My rule of thumb when dealing with Pedophile callers is simple.  If they do the talking, I'll listen and make acceptable active listening noises.  If they expect me to tell a story about how I really want to watch a child getting fucked by them, they are out of luck.  I just can't do it and no, I'm not really trying.  It is one of the few aspects of human sexuality where I have not done a great deal of research reading.  I did try.  There are some erotica sites that will post stories that involve pedophilia but, I can't stomach them.

The fourth one started out as a Delightfully Raunchy and descended into grossness after the first ten minutes.  The caller claimed to be a porn actor who was having a hard time (no pun intended) settling down after a day of shooting.  He had called two escorts  but, wanted some company while he was waiting for them to arrive.  He told me that the secret of his success in porn is because he doesn't find skinny women attractive.  He can get hard and stay that way without coming because he is not that physically attracted to his co-stars.  Then he started telling me about his personal life.  He has 3 children by three different mothers and maintained relationships with his children by maintaining his friendships with their mothers.  When he started talking about the fact that one of the women was sexually abused by her father as a girl and he was sure that was why she is such a freak in the bedroom, I knew I was in trouble.  He is not the first caller I have spoken to who has made the connection between childhood sexual assault and adult 'slut status'.  There is a caller who will only speak to PSOs who admit to being sexually abused as children.  He says that they make the 'best sluts' because they will do anything.  The thought that there are men who are aware of how much damage sexual assault does to little girls and like it is unbelievably foul to me.

And then there was the last caller.  I have spoken to him several times before and enjoyed it.  He likes to talk about sex but, he really doesn't want a fantasy or sound effects.  His tastes in sex are about as Vanilla as a man can get.  He knows I am a Domme; one time he asked what I was into and I decided to test him by telling him the truth.  We had a long conversation about how Dommes are portrayed in porn and how for most of us, that is not how we express our sexuality.  His response was "Thank god because most of that shit is just fucking weird," and then apologized for insulting me.  I laughed so hard I had to force myself to stop to catch my breath.

He's a good old boy from a very small town in the South where there are exactly two major employers; a Walmart Superstore and the small manufacturing plant where he works.  He is a single father with a teenage son.  His girlfriend split to get something more out of life and left her son behind.  She has recently returned and that might be the reason why he has turned to phone sex.  She would like to get back together with him.  He doesn't want that but, admits that there aren't a lot of single women his age available to date in his area.  Like I said, this one just likes to talk.  That's why I know so much about this caller.

The reason I am talking about him here?  He told me that he has become infatuated with a teenage girl who is a friend of his son's.  Those are my words, not his.  What he told me is that this girl, who lives nearby, likes to hang out with him and his son while they are working on his truck in his garage.  She was there one night about a month ago when he looked up at her and realized that she is starting to develop breasts.  He told me that he looked over at her, thought "nice rack", then realized he was ogling a 13 year old girl and felt like a scumbag.  The problem is he's thinking about her often and she is always underfoot.  They live in the same neighborhood.  He and her mother work together and carpool together.  The girl goes to school with his son.

He told me that the girl's mother is in a rough spot; she is working full time to support her family and taking care of her recently disabled husband.  He asked me if he should try to tell the mother that it's time for her little girl to start wearing a bra.  I said yes.  As one parent to another, letting the overworked mother know that she might need to have a conversation with her teenage daughter on how to dress appropriately is a good idea.  The woman might also choose to have a conversation about a few other subjects at the same time.  Considering what he has told me about her life, I would guess that the woman hasn't had a moment to stop and look at her daughter in months.  That might be the reason why this girl is hanging out in her neighbors garage.

He asked me what he should do.  I told him to stop letting this girl hang out in his garage.  That is already happening; his son is on a team and at practice in the afternoon now and his truck has decided to run for the time being.  He has also been making a point of going out and trying to meet women closer to his own age (or at least, street legal).  He also admitted that he went looking for some sort of support, online.

I know what he found, nothing.  There is absolutely no support for a person who has an inappropriate interest in a child and doesn't want to be a pedophile unless that person has already committed the crime and been found guilty.  There are no forums, support groups, etc.  There are plenty of pro-pedophilia sites available but, nothing for a person who doesn't want to hurt a child.  It is not even safe for a person to confide in a counselor.  If the counselor decides that the patient is dangerous to a child, the counselor must report it to the police.

The truth is that I don't think that this guy is at risk of becoming a pedophile.  The sheer amount of disgust he feels at his own interest is a big part of the reason.  Unlike callers who want to hear a PSO support the idea that a teenage girl has the hots for them; he doesn't obsess about her actions, what they mean, and what secret message she is trying to convey to him.  He obsesses about his own thoughts and what might be wrong with him.  What is wrong is that he lives in a culture that worships youth and engages in the sexualization of children.  He lives in a culture that equates sexual beauty with youth.  The truth is that men, a whole lot of men, look at young girls and think "yum" without ever acting on those feelings.  I think that this caller is more upset at those feelings than most because he is groping his way through parenthood, single parenthood at that, without a hell of a lot of support.  God knows I have talked about sex with this guy often enough to know what he finds attractive.  He preference is for sexually aggressive brunettes close to his own age which might explain why he's so curious about me being a Domme.

I will probably never know the end of this story.  I sincerely hope that this guy finds a girl who introduces him to the joys of bondage using her thigh high stockings so he can to put his "nice rack" thought into context and forget about it.  And, I much as I think that adults who rape children should face the death penalty, I also wish that we could find some way to help the ones who want to get help without destroying their lives in the process.

Sometimes I just can't make this crap funny.

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