Looking foolish does the spirit good. The need not to look foolish is one of youth's many burdens; as we get older we are exempted from more and more, and float upward in our heedlessness, singing Gratia Dei sum quod sum. - Johm Updike

Thanks be to God that I am what I am

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Sound Effects

Here's one of things I discovered about men since working as a PSO.  Men LOVE sound effects.  Men think sound effects are sexy.  Men watch too much goddamned porn.

Today, 2 different Sound Effect Kings called in.  No. 1 is the Sound Effect King is from Boston.  He likes to dress up in a purple teddy (sometimes royal blue) and suck on an 8 inch dildo.  He also feels the need to share this experience with a PSO.  The end result is that I get to listen to this fucker suck and slurp on a pink silicon dildo for 10 or 15 minutes while telling him how hot and sexy he is.  These are the moments I live for (she growls with withering contempt).  If Sound Effect King from Boston is feeling really randy he moves from giving  his dildo a blow job to fucking himself in ass with it.  He wants an audience for the fucking, too.  I  listen to him sodomize himself while he grunts and moans and whimpers, happily.  I imagine I'm listening to pigs fuck.

Sound Effect King No. 2 is from Texas and seriously into oral sex.  Meaning, he loves to eat pussy.  Or, at least, make the sound effects to simulate eating pussy.  I don't even know how to begin to describe this sound.  The men who do it alternate between wagging their tongues while moaning (I think) and making slurping noises while moaning.  And I do mean 'men'.  A lot of callers make this noise and they think that it is sexy.  The Sound Effect King from Texas expects a PSO to also think that this disgusting noise is sexy, get completely turned on, and come within 6 minutes.  That's when he starts pleading, whining, and coaching me to come and I have to listen to that for, at least, another 4 minutes to make my minimum call time.  The key is to fake-moan for as long as possible without being boring and keep him on the line.  The Sound Effects King From Texas is jerking off and will come within 15 minutes.  If I bore him or 'come' too soon, he'll just call back.  He'll either get another operator or I'll get him and have to go through the whole charade over again.  2 short calls do not equal 1 long call and I want the long call.

It's just so goddamned hard not to laugh at him.  I mean, really.  This is supposed to be sexy?  Are you kidding me?  When I describe a blowjob, I use actual words to describe what is happening in exquisite detail.  The callers who listen to what I am saying get completely turned on.  I use some sound effects but, I have discovered that if I just make noise, I lose control of the call and the caller almost always ends the call too soon.  Some callers just want sound effects, no talking whatsoever.  The calls that start with "suck my cock, bitch", do not thrill me.  The good news is that if I don't play along immediately, they usually hang up.

Before I started working as a PSO, I tried to find any first hand information written by real PSOs.  I found one, just one, website called whoreonhold.com.  Sadly, it no longer exists.  I remember reading one entry when the woman talked about feeling like a Dolby sound board while slapping the hell out of a freshly thawed chicken to simulate the sound of slapping a caller.  The first night I worked, I ended up bruising the shit out myself while trying to please a caller with a spanking fetish.  The joys of phone sex.  He has a fetish for getting spanked and I end up with purple bruises up and down both thighs.

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