Looking foolish does the spirit good. The need not to look foolish is one of youth's many burdens; as we get older we are exempted from more and more, and float upward in our heedlessness, singing Gratia Dei sum quod sum. - Johm Updike

Thanks be to God that I am what I am

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Intellectual Sex Fetish (Really?)

I read an article called the Intellectual Sex Fetish by Anneli Rufus.  Not sure where I saw it but, I copied it into a word file for the purpose of talking about it here.  The article pissed me off that much.  Her tagline describes cuckolding as "S&M for Ph.Ds" as if S&M is too lowbrow for post graduate participants.

I deal with cuckolding fantasies constantly while I am working.  They are very popular with many callers from all walks of life.  What strikes me as strange about these fantasies is that they are not about a woman's pleasure, though many callers talk about not being about to 'please' their wives because of their physical inadequacies at the beginning of the call.  It is typically one of three reasons; impotency is rare, performance is more common, small cock size is the top of the list.  "I can't please my wife because my cock is too small," is usually what I hear.  These men seem to think that all women are size queens and, if they are less than 8 inches, they have no hope in hell of getting a woman off.  The idea that technique might have something to do with their poor performance never crosses their mind. Their idea of poor performance is not being able to last long enough or get hard again, quickly enough.

The callers just want their wives or girlfriends to be sexually fulfilled ... fucking men they choose.  That doesn't sound like cuckolding to me, that sounds like pimping.  There is a caller from Georgia who only calls on the weekend and calls all day long while drinking.  He won't talk to me, though, until that first six-pack is gone.  It seems that I only sound good to this guy when he's drunk.  Gee thanks.  Of course, I am far too professional to fuck with One-Grunt while he's got a buzz on, right?  Guess you haven't been paying attention.  That's the other thing about this caller, once we start to get into his fantasy, he stops speaking in words and just kind of grunts at me.  I imagine trying to get through a sexual fantasy speaking to a gorilla wearing a John Deere cap.  His fantasy is pimping his sweet, little Georgia peach of a wife out to black men he picks for her.  They have talked about it.  According to One-Grunt, they are very open about their fantasies with each other.  She's willing to entertain the idea, and has a very strong opinion on the man she will fuck for her husband.  That's the sticking point between husband and wife, she wants to choose the man and will not even consider acting out a cuckolding fantasy any other way.  He just can't understand it, why she is so resistant to the idea of him choosing the man she will fuck for him to the point where they can longer discuss this fantasy with each other.  For One-Grunt, choosing that man (or men) is a very important part of the fantasy.  The thought of letting his wife choose her own sexual partner for a night of infidelity that she will share with him in one form or another is actually a turn-off.  In his mind, her choice would make it cheating.

The author of the article doesn't bother to mention the wives' point of view.  I don't think that she bothered to do any research outside of pro-cuckolding online forums.  While she was reading their posts and marveling at their writing skills, she seemed to miss the fact that they were bullshitting her.  Her article states that the rules of cuckolding is that the husband does not participate.  The idea of there being rules that define cuckolding is laughable.  There might be rules to participate in the forum, that I can believe.  From the cuckolding fantasies callers have shared with me, I know that there is a range from either being told about the sexual encounter later or seeing pictures or video to the other end of the spectrum with the wife teaching the husband how to behave like a slut for the other man.  The article describes cuckolding as psychological sadomasochism for the husband.  I would say that the author of the article chose to focus on one minor aspect of this fetish and ignore the rest.  According to the article, 'cucks get aroused by mental anguish'.  She makes a point of stating that this is somehow different and better (and somehow classier) than S&M.  Apparently the way those online forums present themselves really turned on the author of this article.  She invites the reader to check out a forum "where letter-perfect postings celebrate cuckoldry as a cerebral pursuit, transcending ordinary voyeurism and S&M as a dangerous game involving jealousy, misery, gratitude, shame, sharing, sublimation, lust. and trust."

That seems to be one hell of a smoke screen.  The husbands she interviewed make a point of talking about the fact that they choose their wives' sexual partners.  She describes one husband as 'helpless' as he watches his wife with a partner of his choosing.  That doesn't sound like helplessness to me.  That sounds like whore-mongering.  The husband goes on to state that watching his wife having sex with another man arouses him enough to make him masturbate "like a madman".  The husband talks about the reactions of his wife's body as proof he is not a good lover but, not about what his wife's says about the experience.  He isn't interested in his spouse as a partner or a person anymore, she has been reduced to a prop in his fantasy.  She is now a sex toy.  The husband in the article makes a point that what he does is completely different than a blue-collar "Y'wanna fuck my wife?" encounter in a roadhouse bar but, it isn't, no matter how it is dressed up.

My experience with cuckoldry with callers seems to be restricted to talking about their frustrations with their wives' not wanting to play along.  I'm not surprised that a woman would react negatively to the idea that her husband would arrange to have her gang-banged by a bunch of strangers for his sexual pleasure.  What surprises me (but, shouldn't) is the fact that the caller usually has never even thought to ask his wife about her fantasies.  It's not a matter of them not wanting to waste their call time talking about their wife's sexual dreams.  They have no idea what they are.  And the callers are genuinely confused and hurt by their wives' refusals.  One caller became furious while describing the argument he had with his wife.  His fantasy is to watch his wife get fucked by his best friend because his friend's cock is so much bigger than his (of course).  His wife was completely revolted by his fantasy.  She thinks his friend is an asshole and isn't attracted to him.  She suggested a man she works with as an alternative.  Her husband was outraged that she had been thinking of having sex with a co-worker and wouldn't even consider his buddy.  "He has a big dick," he kept repeating as if that is the only criteria women use to decide on a sexual partner, "I've seen it while we were changing at the gym.  I even showed her a picture."  When I pointed out that most women usually are not interested in men they find unpleasant to be around, he ignored me.  "He has a really big dick," he said.  "Wouldn't you want to fuck that dick?"  "Not if the guy attached to it is a really big dick, too," was my response.

The cuckoldry fantasies I hear about seem to involve the woman being degraded is some way; forced to have sex with a man (or men) they do not choose, not for their pleasure but, for their husband's.  This is not a 'new intellectual fetish', it is a very old one.  This is a man's fantasy about controlling the sexuality of the woman in his life for his own gratification.  Most of what I hear about boils down to controlling the sexuality of the women in the caller's life in some fashion.  Sometimes it is about a wife or girlfriend, sometimes a mother, sometimes a daughter.  The caller might pretend to be submissive but, that is an act.  When I change the fantasy to a man the woman chooses, they quickly loose interest or attempt to steer the fantasy back to what they find exciting.

I know that just speaking to callers on a phone sex line is not in-depth research into a complex subject but, neither is chatting with a couple of men on a pro-cuckoldry online forum.  Neither of us are speaking to the wives but, unlike the author of the article, I am genuinely curious about what they would say.  Anneli Rufus seemed to have gotten swept away by the enthusiasm of the men involved and forgot that there are real women involved in this fetish and those women have opinions, too.


  1. I am personally very greedy when it comes to my love life, and my partner. I am a hardcore monogamist, and I don't mind saying so. I have a lot of trust issues and a lot of body image issues that make me very skeptical and not as receptive to compliments and flattery as most women typically are. I admit that I have had fantasies about different men, but never to be played out. My man is more than enough for me, and I know I am enough for him.

    I do understand where these men are coming from, however. I can understand how being unable to fulfill their wives (girlfriends etc.) sexual needs would be frustrating, however I do not understand the entire fetish that is apparently revolving around cuckolding.

    I agree with your idea that this sounds more like pimping than cuckolding, especially when the entire shall we call it... performance is based on getting the man off, not the woman.

    I also don't agree that the man in the relationship/partnership should be allowed to choose the male partner. I do, however, understand the need for dominance over his wife's sexual partner. Picking the new male for the wife is a form of dominance and control. It is how these men, I believe, build their own self confidence. By choosing the new partner, they satisfy their women by proxy, thereby making them feel better about themselves.

    I think that this is an interesting article, regardless of how much research actually went into it. I would like to hear from the women involved, however. To me, it seems truly, truly degrading.

    1. Ultimately, that is what I find unprofessional about the original article. Without the wives' point of view, it lacks credibility.

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