Looking foolish does the spirit good. The need not to look foolish is one of youth's many burdens; as we get older we are exempted from more and more, and float upward in our heedlessness, singing Gratia Dei sum quod sum. - Johm Updike

Thanks be to God that I am what I am

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

What To Wear

I have mentioned before that men seem to have very specific ideas of what they find sexy as far as women's clothing and it has nothing to do with what the fashion industry is constantly pumping out.  No caller I have ever spoken to has ever mentioned a designer by name, even the ones who call to play dress up.  Many of them speak disparagingly of current styles for women as being too sloppy or too boyish.  The multiple layer thing really confuses them.  To quote one caller, "I don't want to peel off a woman's shirt and discover that she's wearing 2 more underneath.  What the hell is that?"  I nearly died laughing.

Red and black are the only colors men seem to notice enough to mention.  They are certainly the colors they associate with sex.  Pink is sometimes mentioned by young men, callers in their early 20's.  The only callers who mention anything else are calling in on the transsexual line and they are talking about the clothes they are wearing, not what I am wearing.  There is 1 caller, just one, who makes it clear that he wants to imagine that I am wearing some shade of purple.  He also hates any mention of casual clothing, no t-shirts for this caller.  He wants details about lingerie and if I forget and talk about wearing anything else, he demands that I go 'change'.  In fact, I have made allowing him into my closet and choosing something for me to wear part of his fantasy.

Sorry, ladies, the only type of shoes men like are heels.  This absolutely sucks for those of us who are into casual footwear.  I'm not giving up my comfy shoes, I'm just not going to expect a man to like them.  The only type of heels they like enough to mention are stilettos.  In fact, several men I have talked to seem to dislike 'clunky' heels.  It doesn't come up often but, it has come up.  So does the overly decorated footwear concept.  One guy told me that he judges whether or not he wants to talk to a woman by her footwear.  If it is too 'frilly' or 'fussy', he wants nothing to do with her.  It took me a minute to figure out he meant over-decorated.  Ankle straps, clear heels, and Maryjanes, are considered fetish wear, though callers do like them sometimes.  One caller told me that 'normal' women do not wear shoes like that.  Boots seem to fall in this category, too.  In other words, my fondness for wearing comfortable Maryjanes means I'm a freak to a lot of men.

Oh my God, men and their goddamned measurements!  If I had a nickle for every time some
fucking IDIOT asked me to rattle off a string of goddamned numbers he doesn't fucking understand...  If I could get my hands on the crack-brained moron who came up with this concept...And most porn magazines still use this format to describe a woman in those little biographies.  Trust me, those 'biographies' are written by some bored out of their mind staff writer who probably has a file full of them and recycles them as needed.  They are not written by the woman in the picture.  Most women have no idea what their waist and hips measure unless a.) they have an eating disorder and are seriously neurotic about what size they are or b.) they had to be fitted for a formal gown recently.  A woman call tell anyone her bra size.  The trouble is, I have never spoken to a caller who understand what a bra size is.  They have no idea, I mean none, that the letters stand for the size of a woman's breasts and the number is the circumference of her rib cage directly underneath her breasts.  Let me give you an example.  I wear a size 36E.  That means that I have very large breasts and a very narrow rib cage.  Most callers interpret that number as meaning that I have very small breasts.  Most of them get pissed when I try to explain how a bra is sized, too.  God forbid, a man gets corrected by a PSO.  As an experiment, I once spent a day describing myself as a 48-triple-A, which would mean I am a woman with a huge rib cage and breasts so small they would be inverted.  To be clear, there is no such thing as a triple A cup size.  The smallest size cup is an A.  Only one caller caught on to what I was doing, a bodybuilder who had a 48 inch chest and wondered how the 2 of us could wear the same size shirt.  He still thought it meant I had very large tits.  Oh well....

Men also don't seem to notice accessories or make-up, at least on a conscious level.  Callers talk about whether or not a woman is 'put together' but, they don't seem to care how she got to that point.  And I wouldn't spend a great deal of time sweating about the perfect eyeshadow, either.  The only time I have ever had a caller mention a woman's eye color is if I have asked him "What color are her eyes?" Men just don't seem to consider a woman's eye color important at all.  It is not a deciding factor in whether or not she is sexy.  It simply doesn't matter what the color is as long as she is giving him a 'sexy' look.

It should not be a surprise that lingerie is a very important in phone sex.  I can give exhaustive descriptions of panties, bras, negligees, etc and the one thing I can tell you is that men do not like 'casual' when it comes to lingerie.  Sports bras are out, and, unless the caller has a fetish for it, so are plain, cotton underwear.  Most men know what a corset is.  They also know a great deal about what various styles of underwear are called.  They, at least, know what a thong is.  Underwear fetishes are one of the most common fantasies I deal with and they can get strange.  I add my own fetish to the mix with thigh high stockings.  Years ago, I worked in an office with a very strict dress code.  It was summer with ungodly humidity and my pantyhose made me itch like crazy.  A co-worker marched me into Victoria's Secret and introduced me to the concept of silk, thigh high stockings.  They were (and still are) heavenly.  They are tougher than they look and feel wonderful against the skin, they also breathe in a way that synthetic fibers don't.  There were 2 drawback, one  was the price (it is triple what it was) and the second was the maintenance.  Human sweat makes silk rot so I had to strip off my stockings and wash them as soon as I got home.   My co-worker carried a spare pair in case she wanted to go out after work.  They were still totally worth every penny.  Men loved those goddamned things.  I worked in what was known as the 'financial district' of a medium sized city and I got asked out or more dates than any other time in my life.  Unfortunately, at the time, I was far too shy to really take advantage of the situation but, I did work up the courage to ask one of my admirers how he could tell I was wearing stockings and not pantyhose?  He told me that the seams were a dead giveaway (I have never found a pair of pantyhose with good, fake seams) and it didn't matter if there were seams or not, he could just tell.  If I were seriously into 'man-hunting' I would start building up my collection of silk stockings.

Victoria's Secret is another pain in the ass subject.  I shopped there for one particular item (they no longer carry silk stockings) years ago and have not bothered to shop there since.  Victoria seems to think that all women are rail thin amazons who want to look like they have bigger tits without the surgery.  They have nothing I would wear for short women who look like women, let alone one who has naturally bigger tits.  Thanks to some truly brilliant marketing, however, they are the first and only name men think of when it comes to lingerie.  I have been dragged into various Victoria Secret stores across the nation, usually by friends trying to return gifts that don't even come close to fitting or redeem gift cards.  I poke around, checking to see if they carry anything in my size and discover that they don't.  The sexy, lacy, stuff in beautiful jewel bright colors that would make a man's jaw drop is still reserved for those too skinny girls in desperate need of emergency cheeseburger therapy.  Victoria is still convinced that girls my size want to wear sensible cotton in eye searing prints.  Well, fuck you, Victoria.  I'll trot my round ass over the adult fetish store and get something you have never dreamed of.  A piece of advice for men, ask the woman in your life where she buys the lingerie you love so much before you try to get her a gift.  Better yet, go with her.  Trust me when I tell you any embarrassment you might feel will fade away when you realize that she is choosing those things to wear to turn you on.  I often use that fantasy for callers; taking me lingerie shopping (at Victoria's Secret, if the caller chooses the location) and then fucking in the changing room.

Think of it as an act of imaginary desecration.

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