Looking foolish does the spirit good. The need not to look foolish is one of youth's many burdens; as we get older we are exempted from more and more, and float upward in our heedlessness, singing Gratia Dei sum quod sum. - Johm Updike

Thanks be to God that I am what I am

Friday, March 23, 2012

Missing The Point

So a man walks into a bar...

No, I'm not going to tell a joke.  I just wanted to give an example of how my conversations with friends on the subject of phone sex usually start. "So I was talking to this caller..." who called in on the Domination line.  He's raring to go and already in character as a submissive.  Good, because I am not in the mood for an argument with some fucked-up pseudo-Dom .  I consider myself a pretty good phone actress right now but, crying on command usually gives me a raging headache and fighting with those jackasses takes too much time.  In the process of convincing them that I am not the punching bag of their dreams, they tank my call time average.

I actually had a caller tell me "Let me give you a piece of advice, honey.  The customer is always right" when I refused to be interrogated by him.  (I can smell a fishing expedition a mile away now)    Not true, asshole, and I've worked customer service and retail long enough to know better.  If there were no rules to customer interactions other than 'the customer is always right', no business in this country would survive more than a year.  The most honest people on the planet will lie without the slightest hint of guilt to a customer service representative.  I know this from years of personal, work experience.  Also, I don't think of the callers I interact with as 'customers'.  I'm not fucking Burger King, you moron.  I think of my callers as 'clients' and myself as a professional offering a highly specialized set of skills.  That means I get to screen my clients.  I am not arrogant to think that I am going to appeal to every caller I am connected to.  Hell, I know from countless hours of experience getting hung up on over and over again, that I do not.  There are also things that I cannot do, such as hiccup on command or be convincing with a caller who wants to imagine that I am causing myself physical pain.  There is a torture porn guy who thinks I'm wonderful but, he's the exception.

There was some old dude in the south who was actually sounded sad when I started laughing at him.  He really liked the sound of my voice, thought I was 'very sexy' when we started talking  He wanted to know if I had a certain set of toys.  I said yes even though I only had one item on his list (remember what I said about lying to callers?) and he started ordering me to use them on myself.  I tried to stay in character but, failed miserably and started laughing instead.  His response?  "You're not going to be laughing for long, bitch.  Get those nipple clamps on now!" I fell out of my chair, howling with laughter.  "Those nipple clamps aren't for me, you idiot!"  This is when he started to sound like a kicked puppy.  He asked me what I meant.  I explained, again, that phone sex is about fantasy, not about him ordering me to do things to hurt myself.  There are professional sex workers who do that sort of thing and they charge A LOT of money for their services.  I would too, if that were my thing.  I told him that his fantasy just wasn't working for me right now and he sounded so hurt that I wanted to pat him on the head.  I explained (something I normally don't bother to do for callers like this) that I was in a really good mood and wouldn't be able to stop laughing any time in the near future.  The truth is my persona is very upbeat simply because most callers want to talk to a friendly sounding PSO and it's hard to sound friendly and welcoming when I'm pissed.  Therefore, 'screening my clients' is essential for my frame of mind and my ability to work.  It is also an action the hosting company does not approve.  As far as they are concerned, all PSOs should try to entertain all callers, unless they are underage (and we do get them.  Ever wonder what your son is doing when you are not at home?  It's not just video games) no matter what.  Well, I say bullshit to that.

I explained to the old dude that I am not going to hurt myself just to entertain him.  Got another round of "But, that's what I'm paying you for," in return.  Sigh... No, that is not what you are paying for, you are paying for a fantasy, not a puppet.  Unlike most callers, the old dude actually got it.  Good puppy, I find myself wanting to pat him on the head, again.  He asked if I was sure I couldn't just try, (I guess he was having a hard time finding a PSO he liked) and I said no, I just couldn't see myself being good enough at this to portray his fantasy to his satisfaction.  Throughout this whole exchange, I have been giggling like a schoolgirl.  Not laughing, not chuckling, giggling.  The whole conversation is just too goddamned surreal.  This...person is still trying to convince me to twist my nipples and fist myself so I can make the appropriate noises that will get him off and I am cackling like a hyena.  No, no and no.  I'm sorry but, I just can't do it.  The same way I have never been able to master a credible English accent, no matter how much I try.

Now, back to the first caller I mentioned at the beginning of this ramble.  I've already talked about how much I hate dealing with the ones who start out 'in persona' and leave me guessing what their fantasy is.  The caller, thankfully,  was willing to answer enough questions for me to figure out he was into CBT.  For the uninitiated, CBT stands for CockBallTorture.  Some callers are really into the idea that a woman would abuse their genitals until they get off.  The Psycho-Canadian is one of them.  He wants to be ordered to masturbate with a Brillo pad so he can call the PSO telling his fantasy to him that she is a sick, twisted bitch.  Some men are really into CBT.  It usually involves slapping, punching, stomping, or crushing the genitals.  Oftentimes, using stiletto heels.  The Psycho-Canadian is an example of a fake sub, the CBT he wants to talk about is physically impossible to do without landing him in the ER.  This caller is of the same ilk.  He starts telling me what implements he has handy to use 'at my command' and I am guessing that he is a fake sub.  He's into cock-stuffing (I am not going to dignify this bullshit by calling it sounding) with crochet hooks.  Plastic, motherfucking, crochet hooks.  The sheer impossibility of this crap leaves me breathless. Not only that, he as an array of irritating substances to smear on the crochet hook before inserting it into his cock.  Bengay, Icy Hot, that capsaicin cream.  Holy. Shit.  I ask him if he has ever had an infection. No, and he has no idea about how to sterilize any of his 'equipment'.  And now I know he's full of shit.  Either this guy has an immune system and pain tolerance that should be researched by the CDC, or this is nothing but fantasy.  After I 'order' him to insert the hook and all he does is whimper a little, now I am 100% sure this is nothing but bullshit.  Thank god.  I have ordered subs to do any number of things but, I avoid telling callers to do things that could land them in the hospital.  Some callers do take things too far.  The hosting company I use has no guidelines for this behavior but, others do and strictly forbid this type of 'domination'.

I prefer to err on the side of caution so I start to just start asking him questions; how often, how big are the hooks, what substances he uses, whatever I can think of.  I am not going to tell him to insert anything else just on the off chance that he will decide to actually try it.  Somehow we get off the subject of CBT and onto the subject of his sex addiction.  Of course, he doesn't call it a sex addiction but, he tells me that he spends hours lurking on webcam sites.  He starts describing what these performers do and I am appalled.  He, delightedly, describes watching a woman masturbating while squatting over a mirror, mop up her discharge with her discarded panties and auctions those panties off to the highest bidder.  Apparently, the performers on this particular website only get paid for private performances.  They make money by performing 'tricks' for tips during their downtime, like masturbating while squatting over a mirror.  My caller thinks this is wonderful and thinks that I should become a webcam performer.  I point out that I am a Domme and am not interested in 'performances' that I find demeaning.  He is completely oblivious to this, he is so into the idea that I would become a webcam performer that he cannot hear a word I say.  He continues telling about 'performances' that he found particularly thrilling.  I have now stopped talking and stopped listening to the caller.  I am thinking about a woman masturbating over a mirror and how desperate she must be to do this for petty cash and I am wishing that the world is other than what it is.  My caller is trying to convince me to sign up for this website right now so he can 'see what I can do'.  He is ignoring my statement that, as a Domme, the idea of performing on command for another is completely repugnant.  I do not even send images of myself to anyone.  It is far too easy for a recipient to pass those images along to .... well, everyone with an internet connection.

The great thing about phone sex is that I can walk away from it at anytime without repercussions, other than a slight alteration to my speaking voice and my outlook on men.  A webcam performer might not have that option.  Once those pictures and images are out there, they are out there being copied and passed around over and over again.  I worked for a company not too long ago, that fired 2 young women for stripping on the weekends.  The company felt that their after hours activities did not suit the company's 'family friendly' image.  They did not fire the group of male employees who were patronizing the club and felt it was appropriate to take pictures of the girls to email to everyone they knew.  They did get suspended... 2 days for using the company email to distribute the pictures they took without permission.  The company wasn't interested in why the girls decided to try stripping, (everyone's hours had been cut to compensate for the slow economy) both of them needed to make ends meet.  They just didn't want a client to ever walk into the office and say "Didn't I see you dancing at the Pussycat Club last night?"  I'm not even going to begin to explain this to the caller.  He doesn't care about anything except the novelty of watching women perform masturbatory acts on camera for tips.

Oh, hell no.  This jackass is trying to give me instructions on how to sign up for a webcam account right now.  I don't even bother to look at the website.  This will never happen without a frontal lobotomy and an inter-cranial infestation of alien, brain controlling, slugs.  And even then, I doubt it.  Not going to happen, ever.  He finally starts hearing what I am saying and sounds genuinely hurt by my lack of enthusiasm.  He really wants to 'see' me...in front of a webcam fucking myself... for tips... and seems to think that I should be flattered by his interest and grateful for the 'advice'.  Let me think about it...No.  I gently explain to him that the conversation we are now having is actually against the rules; you can talk about any sexual fantasy or fetish you want as long as you are not trying to lure the PSO into working for another company.  That is a big no-no and callers do get thrown off the line for doing that when they're caught.  He goes back to waxing poetic about the wonders of webcam porn and runs out of time.

I make a note of the call.  The caller might be a recruiter for the webcam site or be trying increase traffic for the site.  There is a caller who calls himself Diaperboy who demands that PSOs go to a website where he is a regular performer so they can 'Like' him.  If a PSO tells him she doesn't have a Facebook account, he wants her to print out his profile picture and plaster that lovely image all over her neighborhood.  If he doesn't hear the printer running, he hangs up.  I think he has been banned.  I haven't spoken to that little freak in quite awhile.  The problem is that there are no rules for PSO's about callers wanting them to go to sites and look at whatever.  And callers are increasingly assuming that PSOs have computers to use and will do so.  The hosting company doesn't want us using computers because they feel that it distracts us and they're right.  However, I think that most PSOs are aware of how to stop what they are doing and concentrate on the caller when need be.

I got into phone sex to get away from arbitrary rules in the office place that make me feel like a mindless drone.  And just like the callers, they can't see what I am doing.

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